Lean into your fear

a walk among wise trees

it was time. nature immersion. it has been calling me all week.

i had certain questions i needed answers to.

i needed to be in a sanctuary to hear myself again.

on top of it, i planned to create a new video with the calming support of my green friends.

and while i walked below the shadows of the trees, my perception finally became clearer.

it was a silent afternoon, the sun occasionally peeking through the leaves.

i felt the wind on my skin, and breathed in the calmness.

after a few minutes of walking, i felt fully present. the forest never loses its magic, and i tried to take in as much as possible. the week passed by with a lot of screen time. same as the week before, i spent less time on social media, and invested more time in my own projects and goals.

navigating the digital spaces with clear intention is still a challenge, however i notice myself to be much more conscious in where i want to direct my energy. a big goal for this month was to film a video message to my 19 year old self. i’ve practised in my mind several times the things i wanted to say.

when i finally found a cosy space under a tree to film the video, i was nervous. i prayed a little bit before, and asked for guidance. then, i pressed start on my phone and began talking raw and spontaneously.

after a few minutes, i realised i couldn’t say the things i wanted. i was lacking the fire and energy. i started to doubt myself, where this project will lead to. obviously, i will cut the video later, but i hoped for something more profound coming out of me.

i felt unsatisfied and asked for guidance. shall i come again tomorrow? shall i script the video?

and the answer was very clear: lean into the fear.

well, what was i afraid of? i was afraid of the lack of clarity and quality of my message. but without watching the 20 minutes video first when i get back home, i couldn’t know if it was really that bad. leaning into the fear would mean to look at the material. maybe to simply work with what i have. maybe start the editing process. analyse what is missing. and what is actually good. taking the next steps necessary in order to publish a video.

i can’t keep waiting paralysed in the eyes of fear, hoping that fear would vanish out of thin air. i have to keep moving and allow god to direct me.

god can’t reach me if i’m in freeze mode, stiff and non-receptive.

i can’t keep postponing tasks, because they might not turn out perfect. doing them the best i can, and finishing them imperfectly is the only way to move forward. and keep learning in the process.

on my way home, i see a dead rat lying on the ground.

seeing death makes me feel alive.

it reminds me that life is cyclical and that everything is temporary.

perfection is a weird concept of the mind that keep us trapped.

i could die next week, and the world would never see my video, that i’ve been thinking about doing for months.

i think i’d rather leave an imperfect video, than no video at all.

and if i’m granted to live another few years, i’ll have plenty of time to improve and learn.

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side note: i’m about to apply for a role in a big web3 company. postponed this all week long, because i knew it would take a lot of time to make it perfect. i’m going to set a timer of 1h now and just send it. imperfectly. at least i tried. and i learned. the next application will be even better.