Dear reader,
I hope this new season is finding you gently. Here in Germany I went out as often as I could to feel the sun rays on my skin and marvel at the magnolia blossoms and countless other awakenings of spring.
Looking back, the days were blurry. Due to my high-intensity job search this month, especially in the past week, I lost track of time and myself. It’s comforting to look at pictures and be reminded of the many good moments, no matter how small, that still happened, despite me feeling like a nervous wreck a lot of times.
The cover of this monthly edition pretty much sums up my experience with trying to fit into a world I was not made to fit in. Seeing myself only through the black and white lines of a CV and job listings, and polishing the LinkedIn profile, made me forget about the multidimensional, colorful being that I actually am.
It’s time to decompress and stop panic-applying like a headless chicken.
It’s time to come back to the foundations again and remember that I deserve to feel good and to nourish and spoil myself, even in the midst of a difficult phase.
It’s time to write and create again. I missed writing. I didn’t know what to write, fearing that only words of agony and sadness would come out. My morning pages captured these emotions, but I didn’t want to make my inner state public. I want to write about happy things that uplift people.
But what if something more authentic wants to be shared?
I’ve been questioning all my life choices over and over again these days. I’ve been doing my absolute best, preparing and taking action in order to finally move into the next chapter of my life.
I’m slowly starting to accept that sometimes, even with our best efforts, things might not work out. At least not the way we want.
The universe has its own hidden timings that are beyond comprehension. I keep coming back, over and over again, to trust and surrender. Even when I feel overwhelmingly alone and angry at God, I eventually pray and come back.
Deep down, I do feel the calm and a knowing that everything will be fine. And this teeny tiny shimmer in pure darkness is the only thing I can turn to right now.
It’s a choice I’m making every single day.
A practice of remembering.
Watched & Read
I deleted my Instagram account last month, which still feels like the best decision I’ve made this year. I’m much more intentional about consuming quality content that requires a longer attention span, and I try to have more screen-free hours in general. I’m very happy that I started to regularly reading books again this year. As a stress release for this month, I also bought a one month subscription for a streaming service.
Abstract: The Art of Design
I’m just starting season 1, but find this show incredibly fascinating and valuable. Peeking into the minds of different artistic geniuses is such a blessing, and I’m learning so much with every episode. If I had the opportunity to study at an institution again, it would most likely be design.
Prophezeiungen (eng: prophecies) by Birgit Fischer
A well-known German medium and spiritual teacher has channeled some insights regarding our future of the world, the individual, finances, and relationships. I wasn’t sure if she was too woo-woo for me, but in the end, I was quite touched by the book. Her writing style is warm and sober, and I felt deeply seen by the way she describes high sensitivity and mediality. Like many people, I used to suppress a lot of my senses from a young age in order to cope with the noise and overwhelm of this world. I’m slowly learning now to tune up my sensitivity again, and the energetic exercises in the book were great impulses. She also finds the right tone to confront some disempowering movements in the spiritual scene, which is much needed.
Cryptopia: Bitcoin, Blockchains and the Future of the Internet
The crypto bubble is highly controversial. Is it scam or not? I’ve had many conversations with Bitcoin enthusiasts in the past years and briefly dived into the Ethereum ecosystem last year, networking at events. Personally, I still find it difficult to have an opinion about it, and remain open to new information. I found the documentary informative, easy to grasp and well executed with interesting guests. Obviously, if you want to get a deeper understanding of crypto, a significant amount time invested in self-study is inevitable.
Bekenntnisse (eng. confessions) by Nina Hagen
Most people know German singer as the talented, shrill Godmother of Punk. I gained interest in my name twin, after finding a mantra of hers for my last monthly edition. Turns out she is a deeply devout person, and has been praying to God since childhood. The biography takes the reader through all the main stations and influences of her life and career. I’m spiritual, not religious, but I can 100% comprehend her relationship and devotion to Jesus, and I find her unwavering faith consoling. She inspires me to keep devoting myself to my relationship to God. Other than that, she is simply refreshingly crazy, authentic, non-conformist in the best way possible, and a true gem to the world.
Places I went
1. Erlangen, Germany
My parents reconnected with their old university friend X in the city where they studied together back in the 80s, Erlangen. They were among the first waves of Chinese immigrants coming to Germany as exchange students - real pioneers. My dad asked my mum out to McDonalds for their first date. Imagine, back in China they never had a cheeseburger, so it was a very special setting for a first date! The restaurant is still there today and I took plenty of pictures of them both in front of it, over 40 years later. X, who works now as a C-level executive at a Fortune 500, welcomed us to her place and shared many epic stories and learnings from her long career. Reaching that position she’s at doesn’t come without hardships, backstabbing and sacrifices. There was something about the energy in her words that left an impact on me - when someone speaks from lived experience and authenticity, it simply hits differently.
2. Utrecht, Netherlands
Visited my friend L (hi!) who I met on Madeira a few years back and who decided to move back to her home country for a while. We share a similar story of being laid off unexpectedly and, independently of that, (temporarily) moving back to our home countries, so it was almost consoling exchanging stories while strolling around the charming city of Utrecht, along the canals and the greenery. Having lived abroad and then returning home comes with a distinct feeling of alienation and a sense of not belonging with the locals who live a more ‘settled life’. She also sent me many good book recommendations, which makes me even more excited about setting reading goals for 2026.
3. Maastricht, Netherlands
One of my cousins from China came to Germany a few years ago to study. I hadn’t seen him in over a decade and was very pleased when he came to visit our family for a few days. We had many interesting conversations, catching up on our lives and exploring cultural differences. One day, my parents and I took him sightseeing to Maastricht, one of the closest Dutch cities to the German border. We were incredibly lucky with the weather, got bubble tea, and left with some cheese as a souvenir.
Job Search Experience in 2026
I’ve been actively looking for employment for many months. I know I’m not the only one desperately navigating our current job market. Whereas for my first job I sent three applications and received an offer within two weeks, I wasn’t prepared at all for the marathon that this second search would turn out to be.
I sent out 60+ applications in March alone, totalling 130+ at this point. I believe there is only a certain number of rejections a human nervous system can tolerate before it completely shuts down. Last week, I was crying every day and kept wondering if this was my rock bottom moment - I even googled symptoms of burnout. I knew I had to rest and stop checking my emails every five minutes.
On the bright side, I had many interesting interview opportunities that helped me understand more clearly what I really want - besides money. Another thing I keep noticing is that I’m deeply uncomfortable with lying and bad at repeating memorized lines that I think recruiters want to hear. This brought me into many embarrassing moments where I improvised weird things on the spot instead of behaving normally. Aaah, the nerves.
I can’t remember exactly when it started, but on one particularly tough day I thought about documenting these moments and sharing them as a YouTube video - for others to feel less alone on their journey, and for me to focus on a project that brings me joy in the midst of this storm.
UNBLOCKING CREATIVITY
As mentioned before, I was completely creatively blocked for the majority of the month until the video idea started to grow in my mind. Within two days, the script wrote itself and I excitedly decided to give it go. I recorded and voice-memoed the first ideas.
But wait - I wasn’t only going to talk about my experience. I wanted to focus on a fun challenge, so I randomly decided to do 21 pull-ups every day for a week while voice-over narrating about my day.
Video’s title is going to be: ‘job searching is driving me crazy, so i did 21 pull-ups every day’
Here’s a sneak peek into some movement footage:
Filming the pull-ups and recording the voice-over every day was incredibly fun and helped me seeing my days with more perspective and distance. I was less attached to my mental states, as I was more observant and curious about how to metabolise my experiences.
On another note, in the process of video making, I suddenly got inspired for a new homepage! For years, I only had placeholders and for some reason, couldn’t create something more normal or inviting. The creative energy never ceases to amaze me in the mysterious ways it transforms and flows at its own timing.
I’m starting a newsletter this month, so in case you haven’t signed up yet, here it is! :)
It will most probably be every 1-2 months, becoming more frequent with time.
Super excited for this new journey❣️
Monthly Newsletter