the quiet satisfaction of a structured 9-5

dear god, I’m at rock bottom. where are you?

I wrote these words in April this year, desperately seeking to get an answer from God. The universe. Anyone, who would listen.

Back then, I was doing my absolute best to end my long-overdue unemployment and overstay at my parents’ place. I didn’t know if I’d survive a full-time employment in the rat race nor if I’d be happy staying in Germany. Time was ticking, and I had to take action.

Rejections followed rejections, and I hadn’t felt this powerless and hopeless since my depression in my early twenties.

I continued my prayers. I continued choosing God. I continued taking care of my physical and mental health. I visualised how feeling at home and at ease would feel in my body. I worked my ass off, sending one application after another: first for a job, and as soon as I received the offer, for an apartment.

simple joy

seven months later

This morning, I woke up at 7:30 am to sun rays sneaking into my room past the improvised curtain - a cloth squeezed into my window, covering only half of it.

I was aware of the usual anxious morning thoughts washing through my consciousness like cold spikes (hello morning cortisol). As every morning, I spent a few minutes untangling myself from their content, then got up to make some green tea. I wandered into my living room and started tidying bits and pieces of clothes and bags I saw lying around.

I wouldn’t label myself as a clean and tidy person by default. I remember moving out of my parent’s home into a student dorm at 17. I was in a horrible mental space, and my room reflected exactly that. The floor was constantly covered in clothes and trash. I was so ashamed that I mostly wouldn’t let anyone in to witness the mess. During that time, I failed many exams and spent a lot of time in that room with self-loathing and dark thoughts.

I wish past-Nina could see me now. ‘Hey my love, look, you made it!’, I’d tell her. ‘Thank you for pushing through - one day at a time. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Your prayers were heard - and your hopes and dreams for a better life became reality. I’m currently working on realising more of them🤍’

Halfway through mopping the floor, I noticed the sun coming through my south-east facing kitchen window. I recently adopted a dwarf banana tree and placed her in my living room on the other side of the apartment. Before buying her, I asked the owner whether she’d like my apartment, since there’s no direct sunlight. He reassured me that she still appreciates indirect light as long as she’s placed close to a window, and that my north-west facing living room windows would be sufficient.

I seized the newfound opportunity and immediately brought her to the kitchen table. Watching her bathe in direct sunlight over the next hours filled my heart with immense joy and woke my mother instincts. It’s been a while since I last took care of my own plants, and I feel especially protective of her. Her kind is used to a more tropical environment, thus has some special needs that I’m not sure I can meet yet.

So far, it seems she likes her new home.

having my life together

The uncertainty and chaos of the past year pushed me into this very organised life right now, where routines give me a much needed sense of stability and predictability.

In my sixth and last month of my probation period as an IT consultant, my target of billable hours - hours we have to timesheet on client projects - increased from 65% to 80%.

The linear, steady increase in the past months ensured us getting used to this number, which will now define our new status quo.

I’ve been struggling on and off to find a balance and adapt to the overwhelm that comes with a new job, new environment and last but not least, a new home. So I’m proud of my resilience and perseverance.

I was able to take two days off in exchange for my overtime hours.
That gives me four work-free days, counting the weekend, and the opportunity to write these words.

I’ve improved many aspects of my workflow -leveraging my previous experience as a project manager - which all starts with the way I organise my mind and thoughts. I have setup routines for how I prepare for meetings, how I document and store information in the exact files they belong to, and how, when, to whom certain information has to be communicated.

The way I show up at work naturally translates into my physical space, and vice versa.

IKEA is currently my second home. I’m deep into their organisation systems, making sure to find a home for each object in my apartment. According to the Konmari method, that’s what keeps a home clean longterm, and I can vouch for it. The initial setup may take a while to figure out, but then the maintenance comes down to simple routines that feels as effortlessly as bending water.

Yesterday, my dish drying rack arrived and it upgraded my dishwashing game in my small kitchen.

bending powers

I just finished the first season of the new Avatar series Seven Havens. The world of the benders has always fascinated me.

In our world, we might not bend elements with our hands, but we bend information, time, or objects all the time: transferring them to one place or another, manipulating their shapes, adjusting our felt experience of it, creating, filling and emptying spaces for them to land.

One of the biggest joy journaling and writing gives me is how I can trace back the stories of the past and document the unknown as it unfolds.

I have no idea, what I’ll write about next month.

What I know is that I can bend the experiences by shaping them as they happen and giving them meaning once time has passed.

my life - my choices

To say that I manifested this life right now, would be an understatement and dishonour to all the sweat, tears, and effort I put into making it happen.

If God would have handed me all of it - without me lifting a finger - I’d never appreciate this life the way I do now. I’d never have grown and gained the experiences I did.

Rock bottoms are ugly, devastating and utterly humbling. At the same time, they hold the biggest potential for miraculous transformation.

I’m still arriving in this new life.

I don’t know how long I can keep up a 9-5.

But besides from the financial stability it gives me, I have proved to myself over the past months that I’m mentally strong enough to deal with the new circumstances, the pressure and the overstimulation.

Eventually, we humans get used to everything.

Building new foundations and storylines, one day at a time.

I continue moving towards my dreams - even if it means taking detours.
(As in loooong detours. Detours that are constantly testing the limits of my faith).

Either way, I’m healthy, and my loved ones are healthy.

Overall, life’s good.