Existential Crisis While Travelling - What I Learned Today
I woke up today to morning anxieties.
Two nights ago, I had a conversation with a friend about this topic and he recommended consuming sugar before going to bed to prevent cortisol spiking too high in the morning.
Well, my chocolate bar I ate the evening before didn’t seem to work, and upon awakening I was greeted with the familiar existential fear ridden questions pouring down into my blank mind:
‘I feel so tired. I should sleep more. But then I am wasting half of the day. Am I running out of money? I have to check my bank account. Do I really want to move here? How am I going to sustain myself? Is it really that easy to find an online job? What becomes of me and the Dutch guy? How many other girls is he writing? I think I’m just wasting my time texting him. I should invest my time in finishing the next blog article. I haven’t posted in days. It’s better to start early today, I had other plans for the next days once the weather is good. I already feel so overwhelmed by thinking about planning the coming days and trips. Maybe it is okay to stay here for some more days, until I rested. But do I have enough money for that?’
On good days, I am able to pull myself out of the vicious cycle quickly, I remember my routines and am able to get up, make myself ready in the bathroom and start my day with morning pages, coffee, a walk or something enjoyable.
On other days, when I have an appointment (sunrise/friend/meeting), I get up without overthinking too much.
While travelling or on days when the schedule is free and routines are flowing, this quickly becomes a problem.
So today, I was lying in bed awake for 4 hours, paralysed by the questions, overthinking solutions, trying to calm myself down with meditations and trying to get back to sleep.
Finally, I generated some energy to go to the bathroom. Physical movement already gets me out of my head and is half of the success. Afterwards I made my way to the balcony for morning pages and coffee.
However, I couldn’t write.
Frustrated, I decided to go to the gym.
But I couldn’t decide what to wear and felt myself at the edge with overwhelm.
‘You are staying in such a beautiful place in Taiwan, had the most amazing conversations with people, went to breathtaking places in the past days. You should be happy. What’s going?’
A small, judgmental voice appeared.
Well, what is going?
I could name post-eclipse energy, PMS or blame the Schumann Resonance.
None of this will help.
Well, last draw is always to face the fear straight away.
My usual go-to tools such as morning pages and meditation didn’t work and I was too scattered to pack for the gym.
But I felt the strong desire to talk to people.
‘I ate chocolate last night and my morning anxiety is still there! 😭’ I messaged my friend and he immediately replied with an open ear and a pep talk.
I continued sending messages to friends that I wanted to reach out to for a while.
I wrote that I was thinking of them, sending hugs, asking about updates, and talking about my current state without any drama.
I shared myself vulnerably and lightly, and made space for acknowledging the presence of fear. I kept it short and simple.
And I was genuinely interested in what’s going on in their lives.
Another friend spontaneously called for a different reason, and the call ended with me crying happy tears, because I was happy to feel his uplifting energy.
When I finally made it to the gym, I got a message from a girl I met at a hostel weeks ago in Taitung:
‘Hi Nina, how are you? Where are you?’
‘K! Nice to hear from you. I’m having an existential crisis day and reached out to many people. The universe must have sent you as well.’, I replied.
I am proud that I dared to follow my intuition and showed myself to people.
As a more introverted person who used to love hermiting, this is still something I need to invest extra effort in.
I am proud that I dropped the identity of the one who has it all figured out, because she has been on a healing path for so long.
Acknowledging my humanness with all its emotions and messiness is part of the journey.
And the most beautiful thing occurs when this becomes an occasion to connect more deeper with other people.
Today was not about getting any answers to my endless questions.
It was about feeling the fear.
Feeling the stuck energy in my system.
Staying with it.
Listening to how it wants to be released.
Following the little whispers.
Daring to open my heart and to be met with open hearts.
Connecting with many souls who are willing to listen and share their individual wisdom.
Remembering again that we are not alone on this human journey.
Feeling a little bit more hold and safe in this world.
From Gene Key 48 by Richard Rudd:
Everything begins with the body and ends with the body. If every feeling is allowed and lived out fully and in trust, then this deep inner vibration of fear within you must eventually fizzle out. The fear is really the fear of fear itself, and when it is looked squarely in the face then all other fears are simply reduced to bodily sensations that continually arise and disappear again.
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