For the record, I’m not leaving Berlin, I just arrived! Only my three month sublease is running out and I’m not interested in prolonging it for various reasons. So instead I threw myself into the black hole of the apartment market without a backup plan, and I’m watching how things unfold.
“You’re moving out in less than two weeks and still have no apartment? How can you be so chill about it? I think I’d be way more anxious than you.”
My new friend N and me were walking down the street the other day, on our way home from the gym. It was a warm summer evening in Berlin, kids still playing outside, bars filled with life. I shared some updates on my apartment hunt adventures: 8 invitations within a month, 2 offers I didn’t accept because they weren’t what I wanted, and one open answer that got delayed.
“You know, my trick is to keep myself so busy that I don’t have time to be anxious.” I laughed.
Too busy to be anxious. It has worked out surprisingly well. Rescheduling my anxiety. When I’m at work or at the gym or at workshops, I’m 100% present with what’s in front of me. During the little time that’s left, I chaotically scroll through the platforms, mass apply, and check my e-mails more than is healthy.
I do feel anxieties around the apartment question. But I don’t let it control my life. When I do engage with the emotions and thoughts, it doesn’t last long, since my being is by now used to a more relaxed way of existing. I think these are the actual fruits of years of meditation: being able to withdraw back to one’s center in the midst of storms. It won’t be perfect, but the increased quality of the day-to-day is noticeable.
Besides that, I have more lived experiences of last-minute blessings from the universe than I can count. Practicing faith gets easier with proof accumulated over time.
Once, on Madeira, I was supposed to move out at the end of the month. I rejected all offers that intuitively felt wrong, even though on paper they seemed valid. Three days before I had to leave, I found a gem: a 3-bedroom apartment, with a loggia and an indoor terrace, located exactly in the remote area I wanted, for 300€/month — less than half of what rent normally costs in Madeira.
But in order to receive the blessing, I had to have faith. Otherwise, I would have accepted an earlier offer that felt wrong, but would have given me a sense of security in that moment.
My Compass
I have a sacral authority in Human Design, which means I navigate life best by listening to my gut. My gut’s language is simple: it’s either a hell yeah or a big no.
I’m still learning how to fine-tune it, and occasionally I get mixed signals or choose not to listen. Nevertheless, throughout this whole apartment hunt, I’ve been very aware of how my energy reacts to specific apartments and locations, and I’ve made every decision based on that. I didn’t follow up on apartments I didn’t want, and I rejected offers that weren’t aligned. I urgently need to sign a contract soon, but I’m not making desperate choices.
I can’t.
Devotion to an authentic life demands sacrifices. Sacrificing the ego-self that believes itself separate from the world and disconnected from the universe. That believes life is linear and physical, and magic only exists in books and movies. That doesn’t know how to differentiate between intuition and fear.
Believe me when I say I’m not into taking risks and gambling at all. I don’t enjoy the thrill of constantly being in the unknown, praying for last-minute openings. I have no idea why life is sometimes like this. Maybe from God’s perspective it’s always perfect, because the right things always happen at the right time — never before.
Looking back on my life, things have somehow always worked out. Even more desperate situations were eventually resolved.
So why would I need to worry this time?
Dissecting My Situation
I always like to dissect a problem into its smallest pieces and evaluate what’s actually on my plate. I can deal with the logistics, and I trust I’ll get the direction the moment I need it.
My current possessions would require some effort to relocate: four moving boxes, a suitcase, a backpack, and a foldable table. Thankfully, my colleague J — who started the new job at the same time as me — already found an apartment and mentioned at the very beginning of us getting to know each other that her door would be open if I ever needed a place to stay. This safety net lifted a huge burden, even if I know I won’t overextend my stay, since her partner is moving in soon as well.
In addition, it would probably take around three to five hours to pack up my stuff and clean the current apartment at a medium speed. I could rent a car last minute for under 100€ a day. Laying out all these conditions gives a clear idea of how big of a “problem” I’m actually facing.
Working full-time doesn’t give much flexibility to think and act, but that can be solved by taking some vacation days.
Either way, it’s not a hopeless situation. There are — and always will be — life rings swimming around to reach the shore.
What’s important: I’m healthy, I’m in Berlin, and I have a good job after a strenuous job hunt. There will always be unknown factors in life, and simultaneously infinite little things to be grateful for every single day. And a solution waiting to be found in an unexpected moment.
Dreaming of Home
I’ve been dreaming myself into apartments in the suburban areas of Berlin, near forests and lakes.
A home with enough room for all of me.
A corner for writing and reading, a little art studio, a minimalistic home gym, a music area, an altar place.
My brain, the analytical, logical part, is overused during the week at my job. Most days, I’m overstimulated to a point that I can barely breathe and struggle to make enough room for my body and soul to unfold when I’m home.
Home.
I know how the ideal neighbourhood feels: easy access to green space, quietness, transport stations in walking proximity, easygoing neighbours. The apartment would be warm, inviting — I could exhale and spread my energy into every corner. Max 1h by public transport to the office. 30 mins by bike to the training and workshop locations I currently visit.
I went to an apartment viewing today that checked all of the boxes mentioned above. It would need some renovation work, though I probably wouldn’t mind.
The former tenant showed me around, and when we reached the less sunny room, she said: “It’s darker here, because the lime tree in front of the window blocks the sunlight. It will be better in winter.”
I don’t mind you blocking the sun, I told the tree. After my hike last week, I’ve fallen into another rabbit hole about tree communication again, and the idea of having a tree friend close by sounds like a delight.
I took a stroll through various furniture stores afterwards, touching materials, bathing in color palettes, my root chakra charging just from being surrounded by furniture.
I’ll find out next week whether or not I got accepted by one of two open apartments requests.
My next steps will be revealed then.